how do I explain different attachment styles to my partner who agreed to be open?

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πŸ‘‹ XxNeuromancerxX asked "🀨 how do I explain different attachment styles to my partner who agreed to be open?"

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πŸ€” a little more context: β€œmy partner agreed to be open from the get-go but knows slightly nothing about ENM. she keeps repeating that she is not jealous while also being upset i’ve made a connection. how do I explain different attachment styles to her?”


Hello! I think my first question would be do you want her to have more knowledge about ALL of the attachment styles or just hers in particular??


So the first thing that's popped into my head is that it sounds like your partner is indeed jealous... And that's ok! Maybe if you could reassure her of that it will open up conversation more and you could work through some of her upset feelings together. Acknowledging the jealousy and looking at where it's coming from can be a great step in taking away its power 😊


for the attachement style more on her attachment style but I guess learning about what's outhere would hep. Ive already suggested Polysecure, will try again. Maybe what can help learn more about our relationship is that we also in long distance relatilnship but we going to live together soon


Have you tried to take an attachment style test to know yours and hers? I think that helps to be more aware of one another.


I suggest taking a few rather than relying on one. fortunately, once you have that down, you can figure out how yours interact since there is a lot of content about it online.




but as someone else said, it shouldn't be from an angle of "change this" but rather "how do we work together to make it healthier"


Came here to also recommend Polysecure :)) the audio book is also really well done if you don’t have time to read it right now


I wonder: Does she *really* want to be in a polyam relationship or did she only agree because you wanted it (and maybe she thought it would be OK for her, but now that she notices that it's about more than hookups, she's not comfortable with it anymore)?

I'd be careful not to impose something on her and not to say "hey, your attachment style is problematic, let me tell you something about it" when maybe the problem is not her attachment style, but different views on what your relationship could/should look like.


Yeah that question came up several time within the relationship, I recently had reasure again, but i'm wondering how to make it more healthy so we not back in a deceiptive configuration ? Also it' not really my style or our style to be like "hey X is problematic you should change it "


she said she don't want to be monogomous or in a heteronormative relationship, and that she need a "safe word" for relationships update as she dealt with a lot of rejection in the past.


One way to handle the "safe word" aspect is to schedule relationship check-ins, if you set a particular time that you will discuss these things, it can give people more time to mentally prepare 😊

Plus, if you know you are going to talk about something at a later date, it doesn't have to be on your mind the whole time to wait for a "good" time to bring it up πŸ™‚

I would recommend checking out Multiamory's Relationship RADAR if the idea of a relationship check-in resonates with you:https://www.multiamory.com/radar

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