what are people's experiences of autism and dating from both perspectives? what advice would you give to those if you could, especially ENM?
I don’t have good experiences at all. I am quite high on Asperger scale, I can’t into the small talk and don’t enjoy casual conversations.
All of that makes meeting new people a bit difficult - I can forget that dating apps exist.
Any engagement I ever had was developed over time, when I met people while doing other things.
Do you also find that you tend to say the wrong thing in a social situation, that you miss the line and tend to cross it?
Happens from time to time, when I get too engaged/excited and don’t reharse what I want to say, how this can be received and what others reply might be
I think when dating someone with autism (or dating as someone with autism) it's important to not take anything for granted. The way each of you will view the world will be extremely different in little ways neither will be able to pinpoint without the other telling you.
So, talk a lot and try not to take things personally before discussing it. Whenever they do something you perceive as "threatening" to the security of your relationship, ask. "Why did you say this?" "Why did you do this?". Don't interpret anything and try to see the world from their perspective by asking them rather than assuming. I think it is more work, MUCH more work, but it's not impossible as long as you're willing to put in the effort on both sides.
I think the biggest struggle is judgement (on both end)...sometimes when we perceive the other's actions as "not normal" and act surprised/bewildered that they saw something a certain way can be harmful.
Ok. Moving away from being in the relationship stage and say, just the first initial meet up. How would you portray that to someone who doesn't know you. Like A said, you could tell them from the start but how would you make that 🤔 sound normal
I'm a little different in this in that I don't like the pressure to make things normal for the comfort of others. I think that weight is not on me but on them and their upbringing/way of thinking. Why would you want to be with someone who perceives you as abnormal just by telling them "hi, I'm on the spectrum"?
You're right, for sure but. That's exactly the problem. You meet someone new say, you say the wrong thing and then you get into trouble. Not thinking about how they feel will mean there's no way out of it, apart from being seen as a weirdo
Accepting that there are people who won't like you no matter what. And on the other side of that, people who will like you no matter what.
I think you're telling yourself no and demeaning your value before even trying which is not good. You are, as a person with a unique experience of life, enough as an existence.
Back to the topic; I think ENM (and kink) can attractive to folks with autism, because it comes with clear guides;
frameworks for ways to do it and theses automatically a pause to discuss and check-ins and core value of consent.
From my perspective of meeting through dating apps with autism, I've engaged in a steep learning curve on it. I, myself, don't have autism but I also don't want to continue on with ignorance or risk treating someone differently because of it and just read up on it through some of the society pages. If anyone has any good resources to signpost me, I'd love to read them.
I think one of the main things I've tried to adapt is in the communicating side of things. Asking permission or what's comfortable for them with regards to physical touch, physical space, what makes them more anxious, and importantly, if there is anything I can do to calm them down in a moment of high anxiety.
My nesting partner is autistic and pretty 'typical' in a lot of his ways. I, however am the complete opposite to him, very extroverted, sociable, spontaneous, busy, chatty etc. He always tells me that it brings him a lot of peace that I am able to have other partners who are also similar to me in that way, because it then frees him from feeling that he has to provide that for me and worrying because he can't. He often says that before he was poly (before he met me) he was often very anxious that his needs for space and planning would spoil the relationship, but those fears are much more easily managed for him in a poly relationship where any perceived gaps are filled by others.