following our last discussion on red flags and many expressing that they found them helpful, we wanted to open up the space for folks to share reasons they re-considered their relationships and what alerted them to it. what happened and how did you deal with it?
I thought about this radio program. Here is the first part: https://youtu.be/npxaMe1Bh2o (you can find the second part on YouTube. It's really funny.).
At the end of this story he looks around and honestly surveys the situation.
I felt like that guy at the end of my marriage.
Well.... He doesn't want to spend time with me. He doesn't find me attractive. He doesn't want to have sex with me. He doesn't want my parents to stay with us anymore. He's not supportive of my education or career development. He's not especially generous with his time or money. He blatantly gaslights me....
I was just like, "Yeah. This is not a good relationship. It will never get good again. I need to leave."
For me it was the fake generosity (always keeping tabs and expecting reciprocity, within and outside the relationship), constant gaslighting due to perhaps narcissism, repeated dishonesty. According to bell hooks there is no loving relationship when there’s no honest and respectful communication between entities
One really scary thing that happened to me was coming off anti depressants after about six years and realizing my relationship of five and a half years had been totally unacceptable but I was too medicated to really notice. I needed those pills and I’m glad I took them but sheesh, I wish someone told me that kind of thing could happen
I think to me, when the person rarely/never admit their faults or they could have been wrong it makes me reconsider the relationship and the person.
Unfortunately for me I've been historically bad at recognizing when I'm in a bad relationship until after the fact. I tend to take bad behaviour or points of mismatch as things that can be worked on and improved
I second this a whole lot! I've also had my share of being the red flag so I can never truly put the blame on one side.
The whole “through rose tinted glasses red flags look just like flags” thing.. plus willful suspension of disbelief
Or even the idea that although they treat you badly, it's not that bad. It could be worse
The interesting part to all of this topic for me is not just the fact that the relationships were bad at some point, but also how I became bad within them also and made my own terrible impacts on those involved
I knew I was in a bad relationship when we broke up and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I still don't know. It's been two years since the breakup. All I ever wanted to do was protect, provide and love them and that's exactly what I did - against all odds and it was worth it. We had lots of intimacy difficulties and couldn't communicate around them at all which led to quite difficult day to day life. We both hurt each other lots, and only just now enjoy cordial relations with no view to getting back again. We know even if we went back to the start it could never shake out any other way due to who we were. It's sad. But I still cherish it and will love them to pieces forever. Was well worth all the shelf suppression and pain - a phrase straight out of the toxic handbook hehe. Logically I know I am better off for being out and so are they. I actively try to enjoy and be grateful for that. And that makes ass all difference to how my heart feels. Lel - the human experience.