are DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) arrangments inherently bad?

snippets of what people shared on campfire.


some non-monogamous folks choose to not share/receive information about their partners' other partners. it's a controversial subject online with a lot of people debating for and against the practice of DADT. we wanted to know what you, the community, think about DADT arrangements in general, why they are chosen, and why they work/don’t work.


Since hearing of the concept, I always thought it was more of a transitory stage vs a permanent one. Like something you would do until you feel more secure in the decision you made and that you can handle it all. I'm not sure how successful it could be in the long run but would love to hear from anyone that it worked for.


In my experience, it doesn't work.

1. If someone doesn't want to know the reality, it means they are not ready or willing to deal with the reality. That's not a great foundation for a relationship.

2. The person who doesn't know starts to think things are much crazier than they really are. Then they start to imagine the worst and stress out about it.

3. The person who is meeting with others is forced to lie, "Where are you going?" "Who are you meeting?" "Why are you busy Thursday night?" Then they can't say the truth.


Any relationship structure can work as long as there is trust, honesty, and respect. It’s all about cultivating those three things.


I think this is true. I guess the question is is DADT inherently dishonest?


I would argue that it’s not inherently honest as long as both parties are open to each other about how they need to be supported within the relationship.

You could be in an open relationship where both (all) parties involved openly discuss their other partners. There’s nothing inherently honest about that particular relationship structure. What if one or more of the parties involved are dishonest with their partner(s) and/or themselves about being ok with hearing about their partner’s sex life outside of their relationship? That will only creat animosity over time. At the end of the day, any relationship structure can work. There isn’t any one that’s better than any of the rest. It’s all about the people involved and their willingness to commit to honesty, communication, and respect.


At the end of the day, the most important thing is that each of us is honest with ourselves about what kind of relationship works for us. That’s step 1.


I don't think there is anything inherently won't with DADT but it would always be worth questioning the motivations behind that arrangement. E.g. if it's meant to help with the jealousy aspect of non-monogamy, this is a very avoidant way of dealing with it and I'd imagine that would eventually explode 😬However, if it's purely due to indifference and wanting to focus on time spent together and not just talk about other relationships all the time then I can see some potential value in that 🤷‍♂️

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