Hello! Thanks for taking my question.
I've been in a relationship for a few years and we broke up a few months ago. Simultaneously I started seeing someone. I keep wondering to what extent I'm making a mistake being in another relationship without a break in between.
There are a few things at play here.
1/ With the person I'm seeing now, things started while I was with my ex, in an open relationship. And then the break up happened so it's a bit weird. Like if the relationship started one way and then became something else.
2/ I keep thinking about how not to fuck up and deep down inside me, I think that I should be alone because that's what people would say.
I'm sorry to hear about the break up, Sonia. I am not sure if it is directly helpful but I was with someone for nine years and we broke up last spring.I think in relation to your point 2 above maybe you may want to think about "if you might "eff up" - are there any behaviours you might see in yourself that lead to that? If there are none - are there any situations that you have noticed that lead to that?"Then if you can define some of those - see in your new relationship: is any of that stuff around or on the horizon? Would splitting help?For me it was that - I jumped into something new faster than I'm keen to admit and got all tangled. After some clarity I broke it off as I realized some of the above and wanted to go it alone for a while to avoid rinsing and repeating.Wishing you all the best.
It’s easier said than done, but I think you should try not to worry about what you “should” or “should not” be doing. You’re already seeing this person, presumably because you like them. It would be a shame to break it off just because other people think that’s the wise thing to do. However, if there were previously time/commitment constraints on this relationship because of also being in another one, which has now ended, it doesn’t mean you have to escalate your current relationship to fill that gap. You can still act as if you’re in 2 relationships, but preserve that time and energy for yourself.
I don't think there's a one size fits all procedure for following a break up and starting a new one.I think the purpose of space is for you - the opportunity to focus on your needs without feeling obligated to someone else. What do you want? What do you need? How do you want your next relationship to look like? From what you've said about taking a break, it sounds like your saying it's out of obligation to the society's perception which is rarely a good reason 😅.It sounds like the relationship you have now was taking form before the break up and I'd think the new question is "What does this look like in this new context?". Only you will know best if you can grieve the old relationship whilst enjoying the new one. As Ali said, I don't think you need to escalate the new one at all. As always, honesty and communication always help, don't he afraid to communicate your trepidation to your partner.
My instant thought was: "are we ever truly ready for anything new?"The answer is a massive grey area, and all we can do is hope we have learned from previous experience, putting into practice any tools we can to help us along the way. Look out for negative traits in others while putting our most positive foot forward.
To second what others have already said, friends’ advice (and any advice in general) should always be considered for what they are: guidance or suggestion. Not holy scriptures.Plus, people often offer a biased view of the situation based on my perception of events (and the context ive given), so their advice won't necessarily gonna be the most helpful.Also, in my experience, it was much easier to listen to folks who reinforced my behaviour than those who questionned it.
I think it's always easier to figure out what you don't want in a relationship vs what you do. I would ask questions towards that instead: what had been deal breakers in previous relationships? When did you feel the least appreciated/loved in a relationship? Which type of relationships did you not feel fulfilled by in the past?I think it serves to eliminate things you truly dnt want while keeping the door open for what you don't know you might like. Hope it makes sense.
I'd say you're not ready if you see yourself falling into the negative patterns you were trying to get away from, and the pleasure and learnings are not weighing up against the struggle