we got engaged recently we are poly - they got a rejection trauma. any tips/experiences on this?

I’m not, but all of the polycules I know where marriage exists do not live together. I think polyamory and marriage aren’t a great match. More hierarchical relationship models tend to work better.

That’s a sample size of 2 by the way

So not really an authoritative sample

I’m married to one of my partners and my other partner is also married. There are practical ways in which we are hierarchical ofc, legally, in the eyes of the state etc but emotionally we are not. I live half the time with my husband and roughly half the time with my other partner. Like all things it’s possible, it just depends on the people involved and their negotiations and limits

Also, I get a slight feeling from your post that you’re saying that the only good polyamory is non-hierarchical. I disagree. It’s my preference personally but it’s not right for everyone and that fine

also not married but I'd guess it would depend on how the people in the marriage define "marriage" and their reasons for getting married which will make it more compatible with an open relationship vs polyamory. I guess it's just a matter of term mismatch?

@Shikoinh how do you feel like their rejection trauma is affecting the relationship? I'm assuming it's the major source of concern?

We had discussion before where she fellt "like an idiot" because of my other connection. Even we been together for 2 years and poly from the start. So it lay from managing jealousy?

ah, I see. It could insecurity or jealousy based on why she felt "like an idiot". Did you have a lengthy discussion about boundaries and stuff? perhaps it's the type of connections? (i'm just throwing in whatever comes to mind 😅)

It's a lose lose situation where at the time she couldn't hear about it but if I wasnt honest and forward on the connection I will be dishonest.

What triggered the convo was that my connection friend might be at a event and it could be awkward but at the end no one cared lol Yeah we had the discussion about boundaries and discussion around connection have be set in a special way since then

Most of the married poly couple here alternate regarding their living situation, basically living half at their partner half at their lover place?

I can’t speak for anyone else but both me and the partner I’m not married to have other relationships but they are more causal. This is an agreed boundary for time reasons only.

i'm dating one married with children poly human and it's hard, i'm always hosting and it's a strain on my head (and my laundry!) .... Mostly they just talk it out a lot and hokdvsoave for the complication and it seems to work better when both have a partner or a project.

I personally not actually in a "relationship" as such with any of my partners but they all know about each other and I've made it clear from day one that I'm continuing to see people on my terms. Some of my partners have other partners too and some choose not to. I find honest and sincere communication is key and a willingness to compromise to s certain degree, however, my engagement with my ex ended in part because she was dead against polyam/open relationship. There was vastly more issues, of course, but in terms of poly arrangements, it would eventually have fallen apart as one of us would remain unhappy and likely turn resentful

I’m in love with someone who is married. She is in love with me too. We’ve been seeing each other a few months and her husband is feeling increasingly insecure about it. He is not poly and this is the first time in their marriage when she has gotten so emotionally invested with someone else.Does anyone have any suggestions about how to navigate? The conflict between them seemed to be getting better, but now it is getting worse. She kind of wants to protect me from stressing about it. But I feel the tension and have asked her to be open with me.

But I’m not sure what else can be done. They are in couple’s therapy already.

Anyone have any particular reading suggestions or advice?

There’s really nothing that you can do because the issue is between your partner and her husband. They may have haphazardly entered into a poly lifestyle and it’s possible that your partner may have to choose between you or her husband. All you can do is be open and honest with your partner about how you feel and support her whatever she ultimately chooses to do.

I would suggest not dating people who are not fully non monogamous if you are