Hello, everyone! Thank you for joining
So here’s what happened…I have started a new job and I’m quite friendly with my team. A guy recently invited our group to join a Halloween weekend with his friends.
At that weekend, a friend of this guy asked me to kiss him several times. I said no. Something felt off.
When I travelled back home, I told a woman who was there too. She didn’t know anything about that guy.
Later she contacted me as she found out this guy challenge for the weekend was to get me and many people knew.
I am seeing my colleague tomorrow to confront him.
So 1/ your feeling is super valid 2/ your were invited by this colleague 3/ so yes, u go see him and say what u feel and why it’s not ok
I mean it feels totally legitimate to go see your colleague from my point of view
Your colleague is not the guy right ?
Yes he’s not but he knew I’m pretty sure. The guy is his friend. And colleague was the host
So he asked for your kisses not even because he wanted that, but because it was a challenge among them? oO
Someone who thinks this is ok at this point of their life is probably not someone who you can reason with. I hope confronting him makes you feel better. Personally I would choose violence but then you might lose your job so maybe don’t listen to me cause I’m really angry that you went through this.
Yeah I get your point.
I feel many things about this and anger is one of it for sure.
In my opinion Sophie should remain on the professional side of things and the fact she told him she was stressed (and sensitive in general) before the event.
Because he would probably use the humour excuse.
Maybe one thing to keep in mind when talking to him is that it might not be easy for him to accept that its not ok in general, because for him/them it might be 'normal'. They might feel like it's ok to overstep boundaries because they do it all the time to each other, and from experience, it's easy for people take an attitude like "I was forced to deal with it and bit through the sour apple, so others should too if they want to be a part of our group". They might have seen it as some sort of i initiation. (Ok please excuse the amount of assumptions I'm doing here 🙈)But if he's any kind of decent person, you explaining how ~you~ feel/felt will make him realize that you're not a part of their silly norm, and that it's a pretty toxic thing to do.
Yes forgot to mention. Before the event I texted him saying it was stressing me out to be with 50 people I don’t know. And that I am a sensitive person.
That makes it even worse! But it wouldn’t have been okay either way.
Asking several times on its own is a bit rude. I don't think that asking for a kiss by itself is something wrong, but definitely a single "No" should be enough.
And making a challenge out of such things is really stupid. Particularly involving in a challenge someone who doesn't know what is happening. I understand the psychology behind their action. It's practically a form of initiation ritual. They often require doing something stupid or dangerous and unfortunately humans invent them again and again just intuitively.
But it's not appropriate in modern society and it's disrespectful to you. Because you were treated not as part of the group, but as a trial in their challenge.It's hard to eliminate such behaviour completely. People always will do stupid things to proove their devotion to a group. If you tell them "It's stupid" or "It's dangerous", you will get a reaction of a kind "Yeah, that's why we did that".
But! You may point out, that the wrong part in their action is that 1) they didn't make you aware of what is happening 2) they didn't ask for your consent for what is happening 3) thus they excluded you from their group without giving any chance of being part of it. And they made you feel bad because all of this, after all.They have to understand that their childish behaviour is destroying their group, not enforcing its bounds. This might make them realize they are doing something wrong.
Thanks! I like the point about the fact that this is stupid etc.
This resonated a lot with my story in a bad way because since I my home country as a child I find it hard to feel like I belong and this kind of behaviours is super violent to me.
Makes me feel like shit and a human of a lower category that people can just play with.
My plan for you, for tomorrow (for inspiration):1. Start with telling him he cannot interrupt nor speak nor reply to what you're about to say and tell him you know about the challenge they've made in your back.2. Then, tell him how you felt.3. Give him an advice: don't do it again, ever.
I would definitely talk to your manager, and not just about that guy, but about everyone involved. What they did was not OK at all and there should be consequences for all of them. In my view it's an example of bullying and sexual harassment at the workplace and the least thing that needs to happen is that the manager gives a warning to everyone involved and tells them why it isn't acceptable.
You surely are.
I hear you.Remember : it's him/then the problem, not you.
Take care of yourself and maybe also look for support outside of this group which gonna close soon. IRL if you can + virtual also can be useful.I only have references in French for places where you could share this and get support. You may find some in your own favourite language certainly.
You are valid.
Whatever that guy think or say.
Thank you everyone ❤️