Solo-Polyamory: 5 Amazing Tips to Help You Explore Ethical Non-monogamy While Solo

Your beginner's guide to exploring solo-polyamory, what it means, and how to do it.

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last updated
November 10, 2021
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In solo-polyamory, a solo-polyamorous person is open to having multiple partners but doesn’t seek to enter serious or committed relationships. They prefer to preserve their autonomy and independence while also dating and seeing other people.

While solo-polyamory does carry some similarities to the single lifestyle, solo-polyamorous folks are not single --unless they choose to identify that way. They simply prefer not to engage in couple-normative behaviours and to organize their lives around their own self only. However, just because they do so, doesn’t mean the connections they choose to form with others are of any less significance than any other relationship structure out there.

So, how do you navigate ENM as a solo person for the first time?

Tip #1

It can be exciting to finally find the right thing for you and it’s normal to want to dive headfirst, eyes closed, into whatever it is. However! It’s important to set a comfortable pace as to not overwhelm yourself. 

Change is difficult, and sudden, quick change can make you burn out easily. So, try to set a comfortable pace to explore and avoid rushing into finding multiple partners if you're still not 100% ready for it --t's okay to take it one small step at a time. Also, taking it slow will allow you to get educated on the necessary tools to move in the right direction for each new step in your journey!

Tip #2 

Try to find out what your preferred dating pool is when it comes to other relationship structures. Are you hoping to only date other solo-polyamorous folks, couples in open relationships, or polyamorous folks, etc? Or are you open to some or all those options?  

Whatever your answer is, it’s important to understand the pros and cons of seeking any of those options and to educate yourself on privileges that come with each one (ex: couple privileges) in order to be able to fully protect yourself from any emotional harm --and to understand how your privilege can also harm other people as well to protect them from it.

Tip #3 

When you’re a solo person in ENM, there will most likely be a lot of occasions when you might have to ground and soothe yourself after dates and time spent with partners. This can sometimes leave you feeling lonely or left out, especially if your partner is in a relationship. So, it’s essential that, before you jump into dating, to get comfortable with yourself and with being alone --even when it’s hard. 

Most folks start this journey because they’re already more comfortable with being alone and independent, but it’s still important to work out any issues and work on yourself before you are faced with the issues above. Create your own rituals that will help you find your pace again and come down from the date high in a safe way --always remember that self-care is very important!

Tip #4 

Be as honest and open with your potential partners about your intentions and the type of relationship you’re after. Seek to set expectations, boundaries, and agreements with them from the very beginning and discuss with them what you can and cannot provide for them as a solo-polyamorous person. It will help you avoid a whole lot of misunderstandings later on, as well as allow you to weed out folks who don’t want what you’re looking for. 

Remember that: you don’t have to justify your choices in life to anyone or provide excuses or apologies for how you choose to live it, but you do have the responsibility to set realistic expectations for people entering your life so they don’t get hurt as well.

Tip #5 

The most important tip we can give you is to get educated on what goes into creating a healthy environment for you and your partners. Read lots of resources (which I assume you’re already doing since you’re here), speak to a lot of people who have experiences and learn from their real-life mistakes and rights, and do a lot of inner work in learning about yourself and what you need. 

If you don’t know many people who share your mindset, you can find a lot of communities both locally and globally where you can learn from other people’s experiences, advice, and knowledge -as well as help others too. Shameless plug: check out LVRSNFRNDS (us) where you can have these discussions with people who get you in a safe, vetted space.

our take.

Whether or not you decide that solo-polyamory is what’s right for you, always keep in mind that this is your journey and you own every single part of it. It’s your responsibility towards yourself to seek what makes you happy and to make of life what you want. It will take a lot of effort but that’s OK!